10/8/17
“You’re emotional because he’s being an asshole and you see better than that in him. He’s peaked. He’s done, and you see so much more potential in him. He’s just not interested and he’s decided to be an asshole instead. The Cassius you knew is dead. He’s gone. I think you need to bury him so you can have your closure and move on. I really think a ceremony of some sort will help you move on”. Sharon’s wisdom echoed through my brain on repeat until I finally figured out how I could bury him and move on. It was well past time.
I sold the wedding rings he gave me. Went to the pawn shop and said “Here ya go!” Before we went in, my husband asked me “How much do you want for them?” I stopped to think. “I mean, it would be nice to get a few hundred dollars, but I know that’s not realistic at a pawn shop. At this point I think it’s more important that I let them go.” I really was torn about the decision. I’m focusing on my money mindset right now and I want to go in saying “These are worth at least $300. Give me that or I walk.” but I’m also working on not being controlled by the past and I think in this situation it’s more important that I’m letting them go.
I wore one of the rings up until I got remarried. Not everyday, but sometimes. It’s a rose gold eternity band and I loved the way it sparkled. I convinced myself it was fine and didn’t mean anything because I just really liked the ring and it was expensive and I shouldn’t let it go to waste sitting around in a dark jewelry box. It’s fine. It’s totally fine.
One late spring day, I sat in the dojo watching Oliver get ready for his new belt test. He had been working hard toward this goal and I was so happy for him to be able to achieve it before we moved away. The dojo had a wall of windows with a bench running the length of it. Sitting on this bench, with my back against the wall feeling the sun’s warmth was always my favorite place to sit and watch. This morning the sun was hitting my ring just right as I moved my hand a little to watch the light sparkle. Cassius was there that day, too, because he had finally decided to be halfway involved in things. With no forethought whatsoever I turned to him and asked, “Do you remember this ring?” I wore it as a midi ring on my right middle finger. That would’ve been a great time to casually get away with flipipng him off, but alas, I’m too nice for that. He stared at it with concentration for a good 5 seconds then said “No, am I supposed to?” My shoulders dropped and realization smacked me across the face. That. Right there. That is the moment I realized that it was a big deal. Wearing this ring did mean something to me. This ring did still hold promises I remembered and he forgot. “No, it’s fine.” I replied. I laughed at myself a little. What a good lesson! I mean, of course I held onto a detail and he forgot it existed: that’s pretty much a perfect metaphor for our entire relationship. I don’t know why I asked, maybe my Spirit was asking for me so I could understand the truth.
“No, really, what is it?” he asked.
“It’s the ring you gave me when we had our second ceremony. The time you promised you would do whatever it took to stay married to me.” I answered.
“Oh.”
Some things never change. Which is usually a signal that something needs to change. My perspective and my reality for one.
I stopped wearing the ring after that. I put it on a couple times, but it weighed heavier on my finger. I tried to clear out the energy so I could still wear it, but no amount of sage, cleansing salt, or crystals would erase that moment of truth. I mean, I really do just love it, but it was never the same after the light bulb moment. Regardless of how much I tried to change my perspective, it’s still the ring he gave me to solidify his promises. It’s still the ring I got to wear for barely a year before he left to pursue his dreams of not being married.
“We’ll offer $125 for all 3.” the pawn shop guy said. The moment of truth. Will I haggle or will I just take it and go. I need to move on. “Okay.” I said lightly with a shrug of my shoulders.
“Ask for $200!” a voice screams in my head. It was too late I reasoned. But damn I wish I would’ve asked for $200. Only because the simple act of asking for more money is good practice. I’m worth it. The rings were worth it.
But it’s okay. I’m lighter now. I’m smarter now. And I’m $125 richer so I’ll go by my own self a sparkly eternity band and watch it shine in the sun. Every time it does, I’ll smile and say “Sunny, you’re a badass and I love you”.
Journal for Sanity 